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CINEMA SEEN - "Dick Talk!" By William Margold This Cinema Seen column has been prompted by the fact that three productions amusingly associated---by deed or declaration---with one of my most accomplished appendages have risen (or will be rising soon) to strut their stuff in various venue for the awe and admiration of those who derive entertainment and/or excitement from such pillars of pleasure. So herein...ignited by quotes uttered in agony or ecstasy---or perhaps a bit of both---comes a page that you might discover is much more than you can...or want...to handle. ************ "A day without my dick is like a day without sunshine." Indeed...that’s exactly what I moaned as the character of Harry Baulls in THE DISCO DOLLS IN HOT SKIN IN 3-D when the ultra-X-rated comedy first glazed the screen over 30 years ago. And thanks to its latest midnight revival---this Friday (July 10) at The Nuart (11272 Santa Monica Blvd.)---I will be uttering that line, and many more laugh...and even gasp inducing...sentiments up on the screen once again as Norm De Plume’s manic masterwork unreels in all of its eye-rousing and ear-rotic glory. And since The Nuart’s program guide is noting my attendance with the statement---"Adult film legend Bill Margold in person!"---I will be proudly introducing the screening of the film that co-stars Serena, Lesllie Bovee, Pat Manning, Mike Ranger, Con Covert, Suzy Wong...and features a very special "guest appearance" by John C. Holmes. ************ "You know you have a big dick?" Hmmm...after a particularly strenuous bout-de-bed with a firecracker named CeCe in 1971, the lusty little lady purred that question to me with an intonation of admiration in her voice. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. And when she tried to explain as to how I was supposed to have known that I did have considerably more than a couple of handfuls (envision here the process of choosing up on a baseball bat) between my legs by saying that I should have been comparing it to other guys’ instruments during high school gym class shower time, I held up my very thick glasses, and said "I left these in my locker, and I could barely find the water." Now, almost 40 years later, the size of a sex tool is the meat of the matter on a moderately amusing new HBO show called HUNG. Much more amusing however is that in the very small world of very big things...way back in the late 1970’s---a fellow calling himself Taurus created THE HUNG JURY and anointed me "Vice-President at Very Large"---and in the process we came up with what I called "A Lonely Hards Club" for those size-queen minded ladies who were "long"-ing for amorous adventures with well-endowed men. On Fridays, I spent many hours in my 6912 Hollywood Blvd. office pairing up eager Eiffel Towers with very grateful Grand Canyons. We even had membership buttons and a newsletter called "Measuring Up!" And during its happy humping heyday, its "Mistress of Measurements" was a lady named Drea--- pictured here reading about her own handiwork, alongside a proportionate approximation of me nestled comfortably between the legs of one my favorite teddy bears. ************ "If I knew what to do with my own dick...then I’d be happy to play with yours." Admittedly flippant...this has been my response when the possibility of participating in a homosexual act has been dangled in front of me. But that’s not to say that I haven’t thought about what I might have been missing by not being a switch hitter---see the baseball bat mention in the "Hung Jury" comments. Anyways...this testy topic is rearing its head now because a new documentary (by Crayton Robey) about "Boys in the Band" called MAKING THE BOYS will be screening on Saturday, July 18 at the Director’s Guild as part of Outfest 2009 (www.outfest.org). Mart Crowley’s 1968 off-Broadway play, which became a William Friedkin-directed film in 1970, has had a very special place in my heart (and mind) for almost four decades, because it was a massive mutual pleasure (as Crowley’s brilliantly insightful words about the human condition are as brittle and bitingly funny as they are searing, sardonic and soul-shattering) shared by a very special friend, who had told me that he was gay in 1969 (after we saw "Women in Love") and myself, from the moment that we sat through the film (twice!) at The National Theatre in Westwood in 1970. In fact, from then on, until he disappeared from my life in 1984, whenever we wanted to have some fun, we used to recite lines from "BITB" to each other over the phone. I miss those phone calls. Perhaps my old phone pal will be at the screening on Saturday, July 18. Perhaps...! end NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, July 9, 2009 issue. |