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CINEMA SEEN - "Kicking Kernes" By William Margold By now...faithful readers of my column KNOW that, when the movie (herein THANK YOU FOR SMOKING) being covered "speaks to me"---I will make my Cinema Seen page---"VERY personal." And that I will also, when the gauntlet is tossed, USE my column as a launching pad from which I can fire off accurate missiles of contempt at the richly deserving "blowhard" who has stupidly lumbered into my sights. Today's target is the muddle-headed Adult Video News reporter/regurgitator Mark Kernes, who woke up from one of those naps he takes during Free Speech Coalition board meetings, and dared to challenge me that " I would lay waste to him," with an "in your dreams" response. Indeed, the toadessencent Kernes, who is truly AVN's version of Flounder from "Animal House"---is a veritable Humpty Dumpster---whose longevity in the Adult Entertainment Industry has been secure because he (or at least most of him) is able to hide behind AVN's monolithic masthead, from where he blusters out such historically inaccuracies as "in September 1993, director Harold "Hal" Freeman was directing "Caught From Behind, Part II" at the San Francisco Bay area residence of one Nancy Conger." Well...he got almost everything right...except it was February 1983...and Ms. Conger's house was located in Palos Verdes. But when I, who not only wrote the film, helped cast it, would have been it (as Dr. Sheldon) if I enjoyed performing anal sex, and secured the location (in exchange for fulfilling one of Nancy's desires with John "The King" Holmes), confronted the befuddled scribe, he dismissed me with a "you aren't a reliable source" huff 'n' puff---and then waddled away in search of someone upon whom he could perform one of his sickeningly slavish rectal-cranial tonsillectomies (a.k.a. "ass-kissing as a survival tactic"). A few years ago, I gleefully turned that pathetic action, and his oafish lumbering and bumbling by caricaturizing his most laughable as well as his most loathsome qualities in my portrayal of The Bellows Brothers in Jim Holliday's SHE DEVILS IN PINK (from VCA). Indeed! Feebly attempting to defend himself after I mocked him (and criticized The Free Speech Coalition) in a recent interview, Kernes accused me of spending the last 34 years "self-aggrandizing"---while he could muster up little more than some yawn-inducing legal-scribing duties as his resume Indeed, it must truly rankle Sir Marksalittle that he is doomed to keep reporting history--- while I am continually making it. Or I guess that helping to spring the X-Rated Critics Organization (XRCO) into action, founding (with Viper) The Fans of X-Rated Entertainment (FOXE), being a 15 year member of The Adult Video Association/Free Speech Coalition Board of Directors (during which time, I conceived the magnificent "Fighting For Your Freedom" flag-raising image as well as numerous other fundraising items, including the perpetually popular "Anti-Censorship Critters"), established The Protecting Adult Welfare Foundation (PAW) from which (under duress, but also out of necessity) I birthed The Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM), as well as performing hard core sexual scenes in well over 200 films and videos, plus having "acted" in countless more, including last year's DARK SIDE (Red Light District) for which I was awarded the Best Non-Sex Performer trophy by Mark's very own AVN this January, being placed in the XRCO's Hall of Fame in 1989, AVN's Hall of Fame in 1993, The Legends of Erotica in 1998, and awarded a cement block in front of the Hustler Store in West Hollywood in 2002, are all indicative of "34 years of self-aggrandizement." But perhaps my most indelible moment came in October, 1985, when I opened my testimony in front of The Meese Commission with "In a society that is drug-infested, violence-wracked and polluted by chemical greed...no one has ever died from an overdose of pornography." Which brings me to the exceptionally entertaining, slyly thought-provoking film---writer/director Jason Reitman's THANK YOU FOR SMOKING---being displayed on this page. As spokesperson/lobbyist for the BIG tobacco industry, Aaron Eckhart is as watch-able (and memorable) as a perfect sunset...with just enough flashes of cold warmth to compliment his actions. Eckhart is richly supported by the likes of Maria Bello, Robert Duvall, Katie Holmes, an acutely amusing David Koechner, Rob Lowe, and an appropriately overwhelmed William H. Macy. And I found Cameron Bright, as Eckhart's son seeking a hero figure in his father, to be quite evocative. Of course, Eckhart's "protecting" of his business' interests (at all costs, including more than a little subjugation of his conscience) caused me to bask in the glow of my own cause-driven career as a spokesperson/activist, during which I have been privileged to defend the world of XXX during 100's of interviews, debates, speaking appearances, documentaries, and of course, in this publication, with the same passion that I can, with absolutely no subjugation of my conscience, most deservedly criticize it...and certain bloated parasites who feed off of it...and who give very little back to it...in return. Indeed! end NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, April 20, 2006, issue. |