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Printed in LA Xpress, 12-09-04 issue. CINEMA SEEN - "Cellular-dosity" By William Margold Besides odious and horribly noisy gas powered leaf blowers, incredibly annoying and seemingly never-finished street repairs, and inconsiderate cigarette smokers who light up anywhere that they can because they need to have something to suck on, I have become more and more and MORE aggravated with the widespread use of cell phones, and the pathetic lot who OVER-use them. Indeed the miserable little (and getting smaller, and therefore getting harder to handle everyday) creations have become the highly offensive "object de artificial importance" for a nation of pompous asses who have never learned that "it is better to be seen than heard." I guess that the blowhards who expound their worthless lives into their cell phones for the "affect" of looking like they are of some value to someone, and are dedicated to making sure that we who suffer from their incessant inanities, know it, whether we want to or not, are blind (as in dumb) to the fact that they truly look, and of course, sound like jerks. Hopefully, in the very near future, like right about the instant that many of them will be attempting to read this column, a plague known as "Cellulousiness" will be visited upon them, and their overtaxed eardrums will implode at exactly the same time that their flapping tongues fall out. Of course, I haven't even begun to go off on the fools who are taking my life into their hand on the road, as they burble away, with only one hand (if that!) on their steering wheel, and with whatever passes for their mind on the person's on the other end of their 999.999.999 times out of 1000, truly insignificant conversation. By now you might be wondering about my relationship with cell phones. Well.I do have one, but it lives, almost always, in The Bear Mobile, my very faithful 1978 VW Champagne edition van. And, yes I do use it, in my van (BUT NOT WHILE DRIVING!!!), and in my hotel room while on trips---to save the ridiculously high-priced long distance expenses that hotels gleefully inflict upon unsuspecting tourists. Also, by now, I'm sure that you are wondering why I have begun this page with an assault (albeit, most certainly deserved, on cell phones and their user-abusers). Well, just coincidentally, the extremely well made and highly entertaining little production being covered here happens to be called CELLULAR (from New Line Cinema) which I saw at the tale (sic) end of August, and which I figure may well be on your local VHS and DVD shelves right about now, so that after you read my absolutely sincere praise, you can rush out and discover the 90 minutes of genuine film viewing fun that screenwriter Chris Morgan and director David Ellis have whipped up. The amusingly contrived, but just "could happen" adventures of Kim Basinger, whose endangered life (by villainous Jason Statham) becomes cell phone linked to care free Chris Evans, makes a compelling case for the expeditiousness of the damn wonders of technological advancements in communication.in "emergency situations!" All involved, including a delightfully overwhelmed William H. Macy, take advantage of, or are taken advantage by, their cell phones, as Ellis' fast-paced production races through the senses, leaving only contentment at the call's, I mean, the film's, charmingly satisfying resolution. Oh yeah, lots of the film takes place on---as well as under---what's left of the Santa Monica Pier, where I spent a considerable portion of my childhood during the early 1950's. And yes, I did have almost as many adventures "under" the dank, perpetually soaked and rotting edifice, as I did "on" it. But that's another story.for another column. end |