CINEMA SEEN - "Memorial Daze"
By William Margold

     The rich and wonderful way that my page has twisted and turned since I started creating it for THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS (way back in the late summer of 1972), that quite often I have been tempted to re-title my column "Splices of Life."
     Faithful readers who have followed my work into THE LAXPRESS would be hard pressed to deny the fact(s) that in many cases, what I have always been doing is---with an ego substantiated by the fact(s) that I have led a remarkably fascinating and complex life---not-so-subtly styling my movie reviews as my auto-amazing-and- arousing-biography.
     Therefore...this Memorial Day issue based page shouldn’t really come as a surprise, as it is filled with the memories of four recently deceased individuals (presented in the order that they made their impact on me), who each, in his own very unique way, contributed to making my own life even more memorable.
     Indeed...they were very special "Splices of Life."
     
     FESS PARKER---I first spotted him as a guitar-strumming (and humming) recruit in 1954’s "Battle Cry"---the soulfully savage saga of the United States Marines activities during the Pacific campaign in World War II. (Leon Uris’ book---much more than the movie---would become my very sincere inspiration for wanting to be a Marine. But I was denied enlistment when I turned 17 because of my record of "incorrigibility" and my time spent in Los Angeles’ Central Juvenile Hall in 1956.) However...it was as Davy Crockett in late 1955 on TV’s Walt Disney series, that Fess made his indelible impact on me, when his heroic yet humble character proceeded to go down swinging Old Betsy at The Alamo. I was a pretty naïve 12 year old, enduring the harrowing image in a grainy black-and-white while sitting on the floor of the dormitory-styled house of a fancy prep school in Harrison, New York, and it was my first experience with dealing with the death of a person (character) that I had come to idolize. And while I didn’t don a coonskin cap and style a buckskin outfit, I sang along with his theme song (most likely to the ear-torturing horror of every dog in the neighborhood), and I was completely shattered by his demise.
     
     SAM MENNING---A remarkable gentleman who befriended me in 1973, when I began managing Reb: Sunset International, a Nude Theatrical Modeling Agency located at 6912 Hollywood Blvd. Sam was an adult entertainment industry photographer whose career, after he was discharged from the Merchant Marines, dated back to the early Fifties. By the time I began modeling for him in countless adult shoots of varying sexual explicitness, Sam had developed the incredible ability to chain smoke, drink inordinate amounts of beer, load, focus, shoot and unload and then reload a couple of still cameras, while carrying on a reasonably coherent conversation...all at the same time! Leaving the adult industry in the late Eighties, Sam capitalized on being able to "look even older than he was" and appeared in many mainstream movies including "Twins," "Road House, " and "Life Stinks, and such TV series as "Married With Children," "Malcolm in the Middle," and was a regular on "My Name is Earl." Plus...he was cast in numerous commercials. And whenever I spotted him, I was thrilled to point him out and to be able to exclaim that he was my friend.
     
     JAMIE GILLIS---The legendary X-rated ("The Opening of Misty Beethoven," "Through The Looking Glass," "Lust at First Bite") actor was my idol. He had already made quite a name for himself in New York when I met him in early 1974. He was Sam Menning’s favorite male model. In the article about his passing for my "Those Were The Lays" series for SWANK, I called him "The Darkest Knight" and led off the painfully etched piece with "If you were to put pubic hair around a light socket, Jamie Gillis would immediately stick his dick in it." And I’m not at all hesitant to admit that if I really knew what to do with my own dick, I would have been honored to play with Jamie’s. But my legend of being exceptionally clumsy as well as brutally inept, precluded the opportunity to eat what I’m sure would have been considerably more than just my words.
     
     PETER GRAVES---Although I had caddied for the friendly fellow during the early 1960’s at The Riviera Country Club, it was almost two decades later than he secured his place in my memory banks. He was very pleasant, and he always paid me more than I expected. Even better...he graciously saw to it that I was well taken care of (to the extent of two hot dogs slathered with mustard, relish, and onions plus a large grape soda, after the eighth hole, and again (if he sensed my stomach could handle it), the thirteenth hole. But it was as the straight-faced but hardly strait-laced pilot in 1980’s "Airplane" that he caused me to laugh so hard that I genuinely feared my bladder would betray me during a press screening at Paramount Studios. And that would have been a memory that I would still be living down to this day.
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, May 27, 2010 issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "A Noble Enterprise"
By William Margold

     Bandit was an enormous black-and-white cat.
     The formidable feline waddled into my life in 1964, and spent over six years providing me with numerous memories...mostly having to do with his seemingly bottomless pit of an appetite for anything that I or my roommates at a tree house like apartment on Second Street just off Montana Avenue in Santa Monica were eating. Indeed---his uncanny ability to tempt the fates of the roaring flames of our oven’s broiler (the door of which fell off and was never replaced)--- and deftly extricate a hot dog, a chicken thigh...or even a small t-bone steak...and then find a secluded hiding place behind one of the many holes that led to the rafters behind our walls to polish it off, were the stuff of legend laced with laughter.
     And anything, including sour cream and chive stuffed baked potatoes, pieces of bacon, and even pieces of butter soaked and maple syrup drenched French toast, placed on the kitchen table was always fair game.
     Finally, if our meals did manage to survive long enough to be carried into the living room, Bandit was always in position for that opportune moment when one of us was distracted, and then he would grab our most delectable looking item, and head toward sanctuary in the rafters.
     I guess that it was fitting then that early one eerily cold and foggy morning in 1970, I found Bandit dead---his massive head immersed in the trough-sized porcelain food bowl that he would converge upon regularly, and literally protect with his enormous paws while he voraciously devoured his own daily ration of kibble, pausing only to growl and clutch it even tighter if someone ventured too close---apparently the victim of a heart attack.
     However...all of Bandit’s eating escapades pale into comparison to the cool September evening in 1966, when he decided to join a couple of us just as the first episode of a new TV show on NBC called "Star Trek" was about to come on. Eyeing the big black metal box that was our Admiral television, and realizing that it would be nice and warm if he could figure out a way to jump up and sprawl out on top of it, Bandit began to prance about at its base like an anxious athlete...taking in modulated amounts of air before hunching as low to the ground as his rotundity would allow...as he tensed up for the leap.
     Then, expelling a grunt that sounded like a meow mixed with thunder, he propelled himself upwards, his claws scraping hideously against the metal side of the set, and landed on top of the box with a thud, positioning himself so that a couple of his oven mitten sized paws and his bushy tail hung over the edge of the set, thus managing to obliterate a considerable portion of the flickering screen in the process.
     And that’s how "Star Trek" (starring William Shatner as Captain Kirk and Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock) along with a crew of special supporting players "enter-prised" its way into my life. And through the three years of the original TV series...and many films (concluding with a final "full regular cast sign-off" in 1991’s "The Undiscovered Country")...they would become iconic as well as comforting presences.
     Thankfully...I didn’t have to contend with any furry distractions during my first viewing of J.J. Abrams’ magnificent STAR TREK...the film that I have anointed as not only the Best Film of 2009...but also as my Favorite Film of the last decade. And after three more visits to what Master Abrams has wrought, my passion for the production only continues to magnify in its appreciation of the fact that I am very much looking forward to watching it again...and again!
     Resonating with the glorious vibrancy of friendship, loyalty and honor, the early adventures of Kirk (an excellent Chris Pine) and Spock (an evocative Zachary Quinto) abroad the U.S.S. Enterprise, along with a new crew of familiar characters (particularly enjoyable is Karl Urban as Medical Officer Leonard "Bones" McCoy), made me feel like the torch that the series creator Gene Roddenberry ignited back in 1966, had been handed over seamlessly, and that while "Space (may well be)...the Final Frontier"...the future bodes well for all involved in this new enterprise...on both sides of the screen.
     Only problem is that it’s going to be awfully difficult for my current cat companion, Samson---although nowhere near the size of Bandit---to figure out to how to lie on top of a plasma TV set.      end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, April 1, 2010, issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "Oscarizing 2010"
By William Margold

    That I take the predicting of Oscar winners in the six major categories (Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Director and Best Film) way too seriously should strongly suggest to you that my sanity is highly suspect. Nevertheless, my annual prognosticating of The Academy Awards (set for 5pm on Sunday afternoon March 7 on ABC), is a ritual long ago established (in fact, dating all the way back to the mid-1950’s), and despite momentary disappointments, when one of my picks is off-target---I have invariably gotten more many more right than wrong--- sometimes even surprising myself in the process.
    And so it is I that enter into this year’s fray, comfortable in the knowledge that after decades of analyzing movies, my choices are always a thoroughly thought out combination of insight, instinct and intuition that admittedly, every once in awhile, has been known to veer toward insanity...or something like that.
    
    BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS---Among the performing categories, this is the easiest one to predict. Neither Vera Farmiga or Anna Kendrick were particularly special in "Up in the Air"...and even if they were, they fall victim to the "balancing each other out" syndrome. Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared to be an undeveloped afterthought in "Crazy Heart." And Penelope Cruz was perky but not particularly powerful in "Nine." No matter...because MO’NIQUE was devastating as the personification of misery and frustration in the miserable viewing experience called "Precious."
    
    BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR---A much more difficult category to figure out because history may well get in the way of common sense. Quickly eliminating a not creepy enough Stanley Tucci ("The Lovely Bones") and a bland Matt Damon ("Invictus"), I was genuinely moved by Woody Harrelson’s tortured bearer of bad news in "The Messenger" and admired Christopher Plummer’s bravado and even felt some of his anguish as Tolstoy in "The Last Station." However Christoph Waltz’s engagingly evil Colonel Klinky Nazi antics throughout Quentin Tarantino’s tedious "Inglorious Basterds" is the obvious "best", if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t think that anyone has ever won an Oscar for playing a member of the Third Reich. So...I’m going to play the "being rewarded for many years of service/strong screen presence" game here (think James Coburn and Alan Arkin), and pick CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.
    
    BEST ACTRESS---Helen Mirren ("The Last Station"), Carey Mulligan ("An Education" and Gabourney Sidibe ("Precious") are simply filler here. I found Sandra Bullock, in the remarkably unmoving "The Blind Side" to be an annoying, very pale carbon copy of Julia Roberts’ Erin Brockovich effort. Luminously overshadowing everyone in this category is MERYL STREEP who quite amusingly (and achingly) consumed the role of Julia Child ("Julie and Julia"), and then served her up delectably...scene after scene after scene. Or perhaps I should say..."dish after dish after dish."
    
    BEST ACTOR---The weakest category of all. Jeremy Renner was way too enigmatic in "The Hurt Locker." Morgan Freeman was way too noble in "Invictus" (which I wound up calling "Inflictus"). The immensely likeable George Clooney appeared to be playing the immensely likeable George Clooney quite adequately, but not particularly memorably throughout "Up in the Air." Colin Firth’s semi-fastidious suffering through "A Single Man" would be my pick, but for the sake of making my record look good...I must predict the way over due to be honored JEFF BRIDGES as the self-battered but not completely beaten country singing warrior in the emotionally tone deaf "Crazy Heart."
    
    BEST DIRECTOR---It’s called "dancing with the one who brought you" as Kathryn Bigelow ("The Hurt Locker"), Quentin Tarantino ("Inglorious Basterds"), Lee Daniels ("Precious") and Jason Reitman ("Up in the Air") all pale (and/or pall) in comparison to what JAMES CAMERON wrought with his monumentally magical "Avatar." When Michelle Rodriquez (a feisty character in the film) says "You should see the look on your faces" to a couple of her co-stars as they discover the spectacular rainbow-colored world of Pandora for the first time, I felt like she was directing that line to me, because I could feel my face absolutely glowing in wonderment over what JAMES CAMERON (whose picture is incorporated into a shot from his movie) created.
    
    BEST FILM--- In this ridiculously bloated/over-expanded to ten titles category that I called "Pandora and the Nine Dwarfs" in last week’s column, no other film but AVATAR should be anointed. But to leave no turn un-stoned, I will acknowledge all the sacrificial lambs that AVATAR will slaughter in ascending (from worst upwards) order of the minimal indelibility they had on my mind: "An Education" "District 9" "The Blind Side" "Inglorious Basterds" "The Hurt Locker" "Precious" "A Serious Man" "Up" and "Up in the Air." And as mentioned last week, J.J. Abrams’ "Star Trek" (to be discussed next week) was my favorite film of the past decade. But I must admit to feeling a certain amount of relief that it wasn’t even nominated in the Best Film group, as I’m sure it would have saddened me greatly when it wound up losing to AVATAR.
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, March 4, 2010, issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "Pandora and the Nine Dwarves"
By William Margold

     Whenever I write a column worthy enough to be rolled over to my website (www.billmargold.com), Jay Bee...my greatly appreciated Guam-based web master...insists that I give it a headline/title. Therefore, since I’d like very much for this column to have a life after its current LAXPRESS run...it’s going to be called "Pandora and the Nine Dwarfs."
     In what appears to be a desperate attempt by those in charge of The Academy Awards to b-r-o-a-d-e-n the appeal of the Best Picture Oscar by expanding that category to 10 nominees--- almost everything went wrong to the extent that with the exception of James Cameron’s competition annihilating, awesomely "Pandorable" AVATAR, and perhaps two or three other titles---there really aren’t that many valid Best Picture contenders among the rest of the nine. And with the egregious exclusions of the magnificent STAR TREK, the joyful JULIE AND JULIA, and the enchanting (500) DAYS OF SUMMER from the grotesquely overstuffed list, plus the inane inclusion (since it was also nominated for Best Animated Feature) of the admittedly enjoyable UP, further accentuating the flatulent double-fisted folly, the whole damn thing strongly resembles "a cinematic cluster copulation."
     However, even though they were seemingly dumbly dealt, I’ve got to play the couple of mangled hands of mostly forgettable Best Film nominee cards out.
     Thankfully however, at least in the case of PRECIOUS, I am blessed with the following sentiments from Cinema Seen contributor Pam Jones. Based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire, the raunchy, raw movie, starring Gabourey Sidibe as Clareece "Precious" Jones as an overweight illiterate black 16 year old in Harlem with one child (and close to giving birth to her second) and Mo’Nique as her mother will indeed capture your attention, and maybe even scar your brain tissue. I only wish that the movie didn’t look so cheap. But maybe it needed to be like that to put that extra edge on the film. As for my own thoughts about the dismal film, which makes a very strong for mandatory birth control, other than acknowledging Mo’Nique’s devastating performance, I don’t think that it’s any accident that the words "precious" and "hopeless" both have eight letters.
     I could spend the rest of this column burbling about the wonders of AVATAR, but I’ve still got eight other titles to discuss (four of which were handled in previous issues). UP was a nice little animated movie, although, as previously noted, it has absolutely no business taking "up" space here. DISTRICT 9 eventually became tedious in its attempt to be ironic. THE HURT LOCKER failed to detonate any emotional response from me...except yawning. And Quentin Tarantino’s ridiculous INGLORIOUS BASTERDS was simply a ponderously imitative travesty.
     Joining "District 9" as two other movies with virtually no reason whatsoever to be in the Best Film category are the emotionally vacant AN EDUCATION and the uncomfortably cloying THE BLIND SIDE. On one hand, I couldn’t help thinking about the trouble I’d get into if I were to frolic about with an underage girl, as the activities within "An Education" unraveled, and yet there was nary an iota of outrage evident by anyone in the film. And on the other hand, although based on fact, the simple witted fairytale nonsense of "The Blind Side" (poor black football player gets adopted by a well to do white family, and even winds up as a Baltimore Raven) caused me to have sardonic visions of such a storyline being recklessly played out many more times...with disastrous results.
     Of all the titles being discussed here ...only Jason Reitman’s UP IN THE AIR, featuring a very ingratiating George Clooney as a boy/man with terminal wanderlust, is a production that most likely would have made the final cut...even if the Best Film category had stayed at five.
     And finally, the Coen Brothers’ delightfully quirky A SERIOUS MAN is noteworthy, if for no other reason than it "almost" made me feel guilty about failing Mr. Solomon’s Hebrew School classes at Vista Del Mar repeatedly, and therefore never having gone through the Bar Mitzvah experience. Note...I said "almost." And as exasperated as I always made the frantically gesticulating Mr. Solomon, by rendering Hebrew into a truly lost language, he never failed to provide me with a tiny blue box of glistening rock candy at the end of every class. Indeed...while some memories may well melt in the mouth...they will never melt in the mind.
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, February 25, 2010, issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "The Stunning Six!"
By William Margold

     I’ve decided to wait until after the Oscar nominations (due very early next Tuesday morning) to start dealing with titles from 2009 that made the final five (or in the case of Best Film...final ten) cut. And at that point---depending on the Best Film fate of J.J. Abrams’ STAR TREK (still due an entire Cinema Seen page acknowledging it as My Favorite Movie of the 21st Century’s first decade)---I might NOT devote as much space as usual to this year’s Academy Awards. But that’s a decision to be made a couple of issues (and weeks) away.
     Herein...feeling slightly guilty for not mentioning the rest of the titles that failed to make my (2000-2009) Top Ten list (see my 12-31-09 page)---and having the press materials available---I thought that I would compliment that wildly diverse roster by revealing (in the order that I was entertained by them) the "stunning six" that just missed the cinematic cut.
     And just to confuse or clutter (depending on your point of cinema-seening) a little bit more, the four fine films that didn’t make this list were "Blood Diamond" "Hollywoodland" "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Iron Man."
     
     GLADIATOR (2000)---Away from the battlefield and out of the arena, this sinewy epic was not particularly compelling. But when Russell Crowe (as Maximus) was slicing up his competition and "fighting the good fight"...director Ridley Scott’s brutally mesmerizing images ignited the soul.
     
     A BEAUTIFUL MIND (2001)---A lyrical excursion deep within the convoluted brainwaves of a mentally gifted but equally challenged gentleman (etched achingly by Russell Crowe), director Ron Howard’s masterwork was so riveting that I was as surprised as the film’s hero that a considerable amount of what he (and I) were watching wasn’t really happening.
     
     CHICAGO (2002)---I proclaimed it "All That Fosse" and knew immediately that director Rob Marshall’s heartfelt homage to the dazzling dance master would stylishly strut its way to the Best Film Oscar. It’s interesting to note that the two titles preceding this one also won the Best Film Oscar. It’s even more interesting to note that no other titles in either this list (or on my 12-31-09 page) reaped such a prize.
     
     LITTLE CHILDREN (2006)---Easily my most perverse pleasure of the last decade (I loved listening to the audience that first I saw it with...squirm!), Todd Field’s savage, sardonic stare at characters who don’t want to grow up and those who must confront the nightmares attached to taking on adult responsibilities was an acid bath for the sensibilities. And yes...I squirmed...too!
     
     EASTERN PROMISES (2007)---Visceral stuff that made the blood boil. Viggo Mortensen’s stunning performance was laced with as many conflicts as there are confrontations. And speaking of confrontations...the shattering set piece in a steam bath will be very hard to top. I hope though that all involved with this production (including director David Cronenberg, writer Steve Knight, and, of course, Mr. Mortensen), are considering that challenge as well as that of making a much-needed sequel...because there is a great deal of "family business" that still demands to be taken care of.
     
     WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY (2007)--- As evocative as it was enchanting, the Judd Apatow and Jake Kasdan scripted (directed by Kasdan) overview of the music scene from the "Rock n’ Roll" 50’s forward---slaughtered sacred record rendering cows with glee, while waxing eloquent on the high price of attaining fame and the sacrifices that must be made to keep it. John C. Reilly sang up a storm...and in the process... produced lightening bolts of laughter along with a few clouds full of tears.
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, January 28, 2010 issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "Favorite Films...Minus One!"
By William Margold

     What I noticed as I whittled down my list of Ten Favorite Films that were released during the first decade (2000-2009) of the 21st Century, is that it really wasn’t all that difficult to come up with the nine that are mentioned here.
     Yes...GLADIATOR fell by the wayside ...and EASTERN PROMISES missed the cut...and A BEAUTIFUL MIND came up just short...but they can all be comforted by the fact that they were in "very close" consideration.
     (Please note though that as of this writing...my Favorite Film of The Decade---STAR TREK---will be dealt with after I have seen the rest of 2009’s major holiday attractions...hopefully right around the time that it is one of the TEN Best Films of 2009 nominated by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the Oscar.)
     Desirous of not playing my "favorites" by the degree that I admired each movie here however...I’ve decided to present the nine films in the chronological order that I discovered them.
     
     ALMOST FAMOUS (2000)---Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical look at the wild and wanting ways of the music world is as lyrical as it is insightful. And while a lament is wailed throughout, one can’t help envying the very youthful journalist for earning a band’s trust...and then being given the chance to become part of its traveling road show family.
     
     THE CONTENDER (2000)---The puerile practice of politics and the sacrifice of the soul (etc.) to be victorious is at the rotten core of Rod Lurie’s mesmerizing effort. Joan Allen is painfully honorable as a potential Vice President nominee over whom Jeff Bridges and Gary Oldman wage a take-no-prisoners war...creating quite a hellish Capitol Hill affair in the process.
     
     SHREK (2001)---A green boy-man and his scene stealing doggy-like donkey (voiced with hilarious humanity by Eddie Murphy) venture forth to save a princess only to discover a rainbow of emotional awakenings along the way. Hallelujah!
     
     GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK (2005)---The sobering saga of sagacious TV reporter Edward R. Murrow (acutely etched by David Strathairn) versus venomous Joseph McCarthy (artlessly evoked by the foul fellow himself...thanks to the magic of some seamless editing) was easily the most eloquent motion picture of the decade.
     
     HUSTLE AND FLOW (2005)---I saw this one three times before I felt comfortable enough to write my opinion of it: first by myself, then with a onetime pimp (and proud of it), and finally with a fellow in the rap world (and equally proud of it). Terrence Howard’s earnestly aching pursuit of success sears the sensibilities as it instills hope of the highest (and rawest) order.
     
     PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST (2006)---There’s a little of Jack Sparrow in all of us. And if there isn’t...there damn well should be. As broadly splayed out by Johnny Depp across a panoramic trio of supremely rousing and rambunctious films...Master Sparrow is a character for all ages...and all situations...and perhaps even all sexes.
     
     FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS (2006)---Clint Eastwood’s superbly solemn homage to the facelessness of accidental heroes, unfurls as a painfully perfect example of patriotic picture making. Long may it wave!
     
     THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007)---Extrapolated from my all-time favorite animated TV series, and expanded gleefully onto the big screen...the rascally but ever-so-wise adventures of Springfield’s first family is a film frolic worthy of multiple viewings, during which the consumption of an endless supply of do-nuts is mandatory.
     
     TROPIC THUNDER (2008)---War can be swell...when it is masterfully mocked. And Ben Stiller’s sly send-up of war movie making goes way beyond the world of special explosive effects. Politically incorrect on virtually every level imaginable---particularly the radically racial romp by Robert Downey Jr.---the film evokes enough laughter to shatter quite a number of ribs.      "     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, December 31, 2009 issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "Lip-smacking Leftovers"
By William Margold

     With last week’s column being served up as a "Movie Menu"---that featured a five course Thanksgiving Day spread---this week’s sextet of offerings should be looked upon as "Lip-smacking Leftovers" although as you will read...the lip- smacking of "almost all of the titles" presented here faded very quickly...much like the taste of food dissipates after a few days of improperly wrapped refrigeration.
     (Please note that I said "almost all of the titles"...as the last production discussed is a quite a meal in itself...and more than makes up for all the rest of the rather stale cinema snacks on this page.)
     
     FOOD, INC---Appropriately leading off this page is Robert Kenner’s mind (and stomach) unsettling look at how truly unpalatable what we are ingesting really is. But secure in the knowledge that my stomach acid can melt the chrome off a VW van’s bumper, I rarely flinched as the images of callously clumped cows and cruelly constricted chickens flashed before my eyes. Indeed...while not starving after enduring the ponderous proceedings...I must admit that my only real concern a few minutes after the dim documentary ended was where I would be dining that evening.
     
     CORALINE---Some rather unnerving blather about button-eyed doppelgangers directed by Henry Selick (who combined with Tim Burton for the magnificently imaginative "The Nightmare before Christmas" back in the early 90’s) makes for one of the most tedious stop-motion animated features that I’ve ever counted the minutes enduring. Accompanied by the scrawniest cat that I’ve ever seen, cranky Coraline discovers another seemingly better world on the other side of the wall of her new home, and repeatedly escapes into it---learning with each visit however---that perhaps it really is better to stick with what you’ve already got.
     
     IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?--- At first this was somewhat evocative of the early 1960’s when I hung around the caddy shack at The Riviera Country Club in the Pacific Palisades lapping up considerable history lessons from those who "had lived them." But the opportunity for a young boy (Bill Milner) to absorb knowledge as the son of a couple who own a retirement home, and in particular, one of its most eccentric residents---Michael Caine as a rather muddled magician---dotters about way too much to have any impact...which eventually makes death the most enviable way to escape the plotline.
     
     SIMON SAYS---When flying pick axes have all the best lines in a horrifically rotten fright film...then you quickly realize that you’re being subjected to the wrong intended-to-be-scary viewing experience. Crispin Glover (who should have gotten Best Supporting Actor consideration for his role as Michael Fox’s father in 1985’s "Back to the Future") is terrifyingly dreadful as demented twin brothers who like to make a seemingly endless supply of capricious campers targets of those aforementioned axes...as well as other forms of backwoods butchery.
     
     RIDE AROUND THE WORLD---Thanks to the combined efforts of Greenleaf and Associates and Image Entertainment (www.image-entertainment.com) yet another IMAX production ("Dinosaurs Alive!" and "Mummies" have already been acknowledged in previous columns) is given credit here. But I must admit that I found this 40-minute travelogue-like look at the history of horses and their riders galloping in so many directions that by the time it was over...my mind was saddle sore.
     
     SPLINTER---Sort of "Assault on Precinct 13 Meets The Thing"---director Toby Wilkins and writer Ian Shorr have concocted a perversely plausible little nightmare about the end (and/or the beginning) result of one too many government experiments with the natural order of things. Stars Paulo Costanzo, Jill Wagner, and an immensely effective Shea Wigham (in the hero by default role) take refuge in a gas station when a ghastly beastie of questionable lineage goes on a cast- consuming (in more ways than one) rampage. Greatly enhanced by Elia Cmirai’s bone crunching, synaptic creaking score, this feisty ferocity literally gets under your skin...and stays there...no matter how hard you try to dig it out!
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, December 3, 2009 issue.

[/journal] permanent link

CINEMA SEEN - "A Movie Menu"
By William Margold

     Coinciding with the fact that this serving of Cinema Seen is dated to hit the street on Thanksgiving Day...I thought that I would present a quintet of recently viewed films as if they were the courses in the festive and reflective Holiday’s meal. And speaking of that meal...I am planning on dusting off my cooking utensils as I will be creating the magnificent center attraction---a massive golden bird stuffed with many secret ingredients that will insure that it will be juicy all way through---and then will be partaking of it with a cross section of associates in what I’m sure will be a warm (and festive) as well as tasty (and reflective) experience...or something like that.
     
     WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE---Wrenched solemnly by director Spike Jonze from Maurice Sendak’s apparently very popular children’s picture book---this genuinely un-cuddly creature feature is a very under nourishing combination of sour soul searching soup and soggy sentimental salad---that had me questioning my own perpetual juvenile delinquent ways throughout the ponderous proceedings. But I eventually shrugged the whole damn thing off as simply being a nightmare that I had been subjected to watching with my eyes open.
     
     2012---If ever the time was ripe for a film being labeled "a turkey"---the arrival of this foolish special effects stuffed flatulence about the (near) end of the world had me gobbling in glee---as I couldn’t wait to hack away at director Roland Emmerich’s fetid fowl. And although the visual of Santa Monica slipping into the Pacific Ocean ghoulishly fulfilled a recurring nightmare of mine (but that’s another story), the meandering misery of featuring various landmarks being decimated finally made me wish for some semblance of apocalyptic reality...even it meant that the theatre that I was squirming about restlessly in would fall down on my head.
     
     LAW ABIDING CITIZEN---Truly a hefty helping of potatoes example of filling up most of the senses filmmaking, director F. Gary Gary’s perverse offering deals with a wronged fellow (Gerard Butler) hell bent on exacting revenge pitted against the toothy determination of Jamie Foxx’s on the right side of the law character. And the grotesque gravy---slathered on thick---is the amusing way Butler rigs his seemingly endless series of traps. However...not wanting to divulge too much...all I will reveal is that from my first bite many decades ago, I also realized another use for a t-bone steak...after I’d gnawed all of the meat away. I just never met anyone worth the effort. Yet...!
     
     AMELIA--- This is a remarkably bland assortment of side dishes (overcooked peas, limp green beans, and mushy corn) eerily enhanced by the fact that Hillary Swank is the spitting image of the famous 1930’s aviatrix Ms. Earhart, whose legend still radiates because she vanished on her attempt to fly around the world. Ironically, although most of its soaring through the clouds action takes place 20,000 feet in the air, the Mira Nair directed clunker never really gets off the ground.
     
     WHIP IT---Absolutely the pecan pie dessert of this page is Drew Barrymore’s delicious look at the wrist shattering, rib-cracking, knee-dislocating world of ladies Roller Derby in Austin, Texas through the innocent, wistful eyes of Ellen Page. And the "whipped cream" on top of Barrymore’s spirited concoction are the nicknames of her roller/warrior women including Babe Ruthless, Smashley Simpson, Maggie Mayhem, Iron Maven, Eva Destruction, and my favorite, Bloody Holly.
     end
     NOTE: Originally published in LA Xpress, November 26, 2009 issue.

[/journal] permanent link